Rated: PG-13 for a bit of snogging
Remus woke up and felt blissfully happy for all of two minutes before the realities of last night came crashing down on him. "Oh, Merlin, I'm a bloody idiot," he groaned, and rolled over on his stomach to bury his face in the pillow. When life didn't oblige him by killing him with embarrassment, he sighed and got up. He supposed it was better to go out there and make sure Sirius wasn't packing to move out or something equally likely.
He went past Sirius' door (still shut) and moved in barefoot silence through the flat. No Sirius. So either he was still hung over, hiding, had fled the flat and left his door shut to hide that fact, or…perhaps he didn't remember. Or didn't care. Merlin, those were somehow worse thoughts than if he were hiding.
Remus had a shower and brewed some tea and waited until half-ten before going to Sirius' door and listening. After a few minutes, during which no noise could be detected, he knocked.
Sirius didn't feel guilty about hiding until the preside moment when he heard Remus' voice calling his name through the door. Then it was as if Remus and James and Pete were all there, glaring down at him as if he were all of pathetic for hiding under his bed as Padfoot.
Yes, it was pathetic. Padfoot uncovered his nose (because just hiding under the bed hadn't been enough for the dog; covering his nose had been an equally important step in the hiding process) and crept out from under the bed on his belly, then shook himself and glanced at the door as regretfully as he could manage. All right, Sirius, time to buck up. It'll be worse if you face him as the dog.
With a doggy sigh, Sirus changed shape, brushed fur off his clothes, and answered the door. At which point he found his socks to be entrancing.
"Oh, good, you aren't dead of alcohol poisoning," Remus said awkwardly. God, Sirius couldn't even look at him, lovely. This is what you get for snogging your best mate, arsehead, said a mean little voice in his head. "I have toast and tea." It was a lie; he had tea, but he would make toast, if Sirius wanted it. If Sirius wasn't going to dive back into bed and ignore him. Or bolt out of the flat, which Remus still made even odds.
Toast and tea. Sirius thought diving back under the bed might've been better, but he knew he couldn't do that. He had to be a man, display some of that Gryffindor courage, and... oh buggery bollocks, he couldn't even look up at Remus. How could Remus be standing here, offering toast and tea, when just last night he'd quite forcibly put Sirius to bed after some rather friendly attentions? Sirius risked a quick glance at Remus, glad at least that he didn't look angry. What he needed to do was explain himself, to fix things.
"I ah.... yes, tea would be good."
All right, so perhaps it was too early for courage. Maybe it just needed working up to. Tea would fortify him, certainly.
"Yeah, all right," Remus said, and shifted his feet awkwardly for a moment, feeling as if there were something he ought to say. Instead he took a deep breath and then turned away, heading back towards the kitchen. The mean voice said something about Gryffindor courage, but it was mostly drowned out by a litany of bugger bugger bugger bugger.
In the kitchen, Remus got another cup out and poured tea for Sirius, adding one lump of sugar, then set it on the table. He spent much longer fussing over his own cup and trying to avoid sitting down across from Sirius.
Sirius took a sip of tea, watching Remus' back. This was incredibly awkward, and Sirius didn't like it at all. He took a deep breath, and wondered if he could just get away with apologizing but not having to speak about it. "Moony... look, I'm... sorry."
Fuck. That was exactly what Remus hadn't wanted to start with. He wasn't sorry, he didn't want to be sorry, in fact he wanted to do that again. He bit his lip. Might've known Sirius would be sorry, said the mean voice. Remus squelched it violently and tapped his spoon against the side of the cup, then went and sat across from Sirius.
"Why are you sorry, Padfoot?" he said quietly.
Sirius had been working out what he wanted to say ever since he'd woken up, and started out with the planned, "I'd never..." but then stopped when Remus' question sank in. He blinked. Was Remus just ignoring it, or was it something else? "You aren't angry?" he asked dubiously.
Remus took a sip of his tea. That question seemed to have disarmed Sirius, so he decided to follow it with another. "I'm not angry. Why would I be?"
"Well, you seemed angry, last night..." Perhaps he was being thick. Perhaps he wasn't meant to be remembering last night. Sirius glanced down at his cup, somehow unnerved at how calm Remus was acting.
Oh. That wasn't what Remus had expected. He glanced down and licked his lips quickly. "No. I—I wasn't angry last night either."
Sirius' brows rose. "I remember anger. I remember you shoving me down onto the bed and..." he felt his face heat, even though they both knew there was no innuendo there, "and insisting I go to sleep. And then you left."
Remus cleared his throat. "I didn't think you...quite knew what you were doing," he said, feeling his cheeks heat up. "I just—wanted to be sure you wouldn't argue with me any more."
Sirius coughed suddenly and stared down at his tea cup, feeling his heartbeat race. Oh buggery fuck, now what was he supposed to do? He ought to insist he wasn't gay - Remus, no, all of Britain ought to know that Sirius wasn't gay. His girlfriends certainly knew. Right now he just felt sick to his stomach, so it was difficult to determine if he wanted to snog Remus again, but he couldn't help thinking of all the times recently when he'd been caught off-guard by thinking about snogging Remus and wanting to snog Remus, and he didn't think that straight blokes usually snogged their mates, no matter how much firewhiskey they'd had...
Remus sighed. Sirius' lack of a response didn't bode well. "I…suppose I ought to apologize, too," he said slowly. No! Don't apologize! Are you a Gryffindor or what? He swallowed and glanced up at Sirius for a moment, then away. "I knew what I was doing."
Sirius' head jerked up, and he stared at Remus in confusion. "Weren't you drunk? I was drunk. Very drunk." Okay, he was babbling. Sirius shut his mouth.
Remus looked back at Sirius and managed to hold his gaze for a handful of heartbeats before he looked back at the tea cradled in his hands. Gryffindor courage, he decided, was over-rated. He wanted to sick up. "I wasn't."
"Oh." Sirius digested that for a few moments, and took another fortifying sip of tea. "You..." And then, as it began to occur to him, Sirius' tone turned surprised. "You kissed me."
Merlin, Remus was going to sick up. He swallowed hard and directed a nauseated look at his tea. "Yeah."
"Why did you do that?" Sirius asked, feeling abominably thick, but he couldn't stop the question from being asked.
Remus jerked his gaze back up to Sirius' face. What the fuck sort of question was that? "Because I wanted to. And you said I was comfortable." And I love you.
Cheeks burning, Sirius glared down at his tea cup. "What I mean is, did you just do that because you wanted to kiss someone and I was drunk?" he asked, and then suddenly realized what it felt like to be a girl. He wiped a hand over his face, letting out a long sigh.
Too much. It was all too much. Remus shoved away from the table and went to pour himself another cup of tea. "I kissed you because I wanted to fucking kiss you," he said in a low voice. The tea splashed over the edge of the cup and filled the saucer.
Sirius suddenly considered writing letters of apology to every girl he'd ever tried to pull, and then decided that was really an insurmountable task. Still, he felt like a berk. Even more so for Remus' angry reaction. That did not send warm fuzzy Padfoots dancing through his head. "You don't have to be such a fucking prick about it," Sirius growled. "You're the one who shoved me away."
Remus tipped the saucer into the sink and stared as it went down the drain. "I don't go kissing people just because they're at hand," he said more quietly. Of course, that begged the question why he did go kissing people, and really it was only two people ever in his life, and Sirius wasn't going to be pleased, was he? Oh Merlin, why couldn't anyone spontaneously die of embarrassment?
"Seems like that!" Sirius was shouting. He didn't recall deciding to shout. "I know I may have had lots of girlfriends, but that doesn't mean that I'm just open to a shag whenever someone feels like it!"
Merlin, now he sounded like his ex-girlfriends, too.
Remus turned around, his own temper rising. "Perhaps that's why I didn't go to bed with you last night the way you wanted me to!" he retorted. Oops. He hadn't exactly mean to raise his voice like that.
"I--" Sirius began loudly, then faltered. He blinked, then gathered his ire again. "I was drunk!"
Remus took a deep breath, trying to calm down. Fine. Sirius wanted to use that as an excuse, he could bloody well qualify it. "That the only reason you let me snog you?"
"That's not important!" Sirius insisted, because of course it wasn't the only reason, but he was still angry with Remus, and that didn't make him want to confess to all the confused thoughts he'd been having lately.
"Of course it's important," Remus said, forcing his anger down somewhat and trying to speak reasonably. The unevenness of his voice was clear testament to how badly he was failing. "I have to apologize for the right thing, haven't I? Am I apologizing for kissing you when you were pissed, or kissing you at all? Or maybe I ought to be apologizing for making you think I only wanted you because you were around." He glared at Sirius. "Why exactly are you angry, Padfoot?"
Sirius felt foolish then, but was angry for feeling that way. "That--third--thing," he barely managed, folding his arms and flushing again.
Remus stared at him in astonishment for a moment, then threw his hands in the air. "And you complain about birds!" he howled. He scowled. "How the bloody fuck did I make you think that, hmm?"
Sirius' eyes widened momentarily, and then his jaw set. "Piss off," he shouted, and then turned away, because he rather thought staying in the kitchen would only be more disastrous.
"No!" Remus retorted, crossing the room and grabbing Sirius' shoulder. "Answer my question! How did you get the idea it was just because you were available?" In his anger, he had no trouble meeting Sirius' gaze with his own demanding one.
Sirius grit his teeth and turned back to glare at Remus over his shoulder. "Because you said you kissed me because you just fucking wanted to. Because you never said a bloody word about any of this before last night, but you admitted that you weren't drunk. It sounds like something I'd do to some pretty girl I felt like snogging."
That stung, because it was at least partly true. But Remus' was riled enough that he ignored that and said, "So, what, I ought to've just said over tea some day, Hey, Sirius, I know you have a girlfriend and you've never kissed a bloke in your life, but fancy a snog?" He wrenched Sirius around and gripped his other shoulder. "Do you? Fancy a snog?" And he kissed Sirius hard, angry and wishing desperately that he weren't angry, and wishing he could go back and completely undo this whole bloody mess. When he pulled away, he watched Sirius warily, more than half expecting to be punched.
Sirius was breathless and overwhelmed when Remus pulled away, but at least that had definitely settled in his mind whether he wanted to snog Remus while sober. --And bloody hell, Remus was strong. But more importantly than that, he had liked it. Quite a lot more than he'd expected he would.
"What you ought to have said," Sirius began, voice almost a growl, "was, Hey, Sirius, I fancy you, how about a snog?" And then he grabbed the front of Remus' shirt and pulled him in for another kiss.
Oh Merlin. Remus gasped and kept hold of Sirius' shoulders, his tongue parting Sirius' lips, because he'd been invited, and Sirius knew what he was doing, and he wasn't enough of a fool to say no twice.
Sirius slid a hand to cradle the back of Remus' neck, letting Remus explore his mouth and then sucking on his tongue. Merlin, this was so amazingly surreal, but it was so good.
Remus whimpered slightly at that. His knees felt like pudding and his brain appeared to be headed that way too. There was a wall behind Sirius, wasn't there? He pushed gently against Sirius, backing him into it so he could lean against him. Years, Merlin, years of wanting were crashing in on him. His fingers tightened on Sirius' shoulders.
Sirius backed into the wall, sliding an arm around Remus as he was leaned against and followed Remus' lead, managing to gasp his name in surprised pleasure. It was better than good, it was bloody brilliant.
"Fancy you," Remus murmured breathlessly. He kissed Sirius again, once, twice, quickly. "How about a snog?" He dipped his head and kissed Sirius' neck. God, he smelled so good.
"Sounds brilliant," Sirius uttered, throatily liking the feel of Remus' lips against his neck as his voice rumbled through it.
Remus licked experimentally, wondering what Sirius would do.
Sirius blinked, surprised; he'd never had a girl do that before. His hand slid up to cradle Remus' skull. "Nnn, do that again."
Smiling, Remus licked again, more slowly this time, dragging his tongue up to Sirius' jaw and feeling the rasp of stubble against his lips.
Sirius wriggled with pleasure, gasping. "Bloody hell, Moony."
Remus leaned against Sirius, wanting him to be wriggling against him if he was going to be wriggling at all. He hummed and licked up to Sirius' earlobe, which he took gently between his teeth.
"Bloody hell, that's good," Sirius repeated, eyes sliding closed in pleasure. It occurred to him that Remus had obviously done this before... but as soon as it did, he knew he couldn't ask about that set of circumstances. He wasn't certain he wanted to know, actually.
"Sirius," Remus half-whispered, half-groaned. He slid one hand into Sirius' hair, the other sliding down to curl around his waist. He felt very shaky. He leaned against Sirius a bit more heavily.
Sirius hummed happily, holding Remus close, and leaned in to mouth at Remus' earlobe. "Moony."
"God, you're—" Remus gasped, shivering. "Fucking sexy, Padfoot!"
Sirius smiled against Remus' ear, glad to hear it. "Mmm, Moony, your skin..." he teethed at the lobe teasingly. "Tastes good."
Remus whimpered. "Wanted to do this for ages," he blurted. "God, Sirius!"
"Then I'm glad you finally kissed me," Sirius murmured, sliding a hand down Remus' back. He remembered, suddenly clearly, Remus groping his arse last night, and repeated the favour.
Gasping, Remus pressed against him. "Feels good." He nipped at Sirius' jaw without thinking, then wondered if Sirius would even like that.
Sirius let out a noise of surprise at the feel of teeth - Merlin, this wasn't anything like with girls - and pressed back against Remus.
"Sorry," Remus whispered, wondering if that had been a good noise or a bad noise. He pulled a few inches away and blinked breathlessly at Sirius.
"No, it's just...new. Not bad." Sirius smiled breathlessly at him. "Never done this before. Just learning what I've been missing." He winked.
Remus kept watching him, wondering what that wink meant. Wondering what any of this meant. Did Sirius want--was this just snogging? Or was it more? Or... Remus leaned in and kissed Sirius again, silencing the tumultuous riot of questions in his head.
Sirius enjoyed that kiss, but pulled away again, watching Remus with concern. "You all right, Moony?"
Unthinkingly, Remus lifted a finger to trace Sirius' lips. "Bit overwhelmed," he said, smiling crookedly. "Wasn't really, you know, expecting this."
Sirius smiled brilliantly. "Me either. Might've got up sooner."
Remus licked his lips. "Why did you think I'd be angry?" he asked curiously.
"I dunno... I remember being... very enthusiastic, and then I remember you insisting I go to bed. Rather...forcefully. So I thought..." Sirius shrugged.
"I just…" Remus shook his head. "I didn't think you'd thank me in the morning if I'd—done that—while you were drunk, and you didn't really want to." He flushed and looked at Sirius' shoulder, biting his lip.
"That was... very decent of you," Sirius said, feeling slightly like a girl again but just amused at himself this time. "I don't know, my recollection is hazy. I thought maybe I'd done something you didn't like or you changed your mind."
"We…well, we talked about Melanie a lot," Remus said hesitantly. "And…you know, she's your girlfriend, and I reckon it was bad enough I even kissed you knowing you were het up about the row with her and her parents and that, and…" He trailed off and shrugged. He felt awkward all over again. "Anyway." He cleared his throat. "I was glad you didn't pull a runner on me this morning."
Sirius suddenly... well, giggled. "That's going to be a blast. Oh well."
Remus blinked at him. "Huh?"
Sirius shook his head. "Breaking up with Melanie."
Oh Merlin. Remus leaned against Sirius suddenly to keep from falling over. "Breaking up with her?" he repeated. He had a sudden desire to break out into song or dance or, well, something. Instead he just managed the beginnings of a smile that he tried to keep from being too hopeful.
Sirius blinked down at Remus, frowning slightly. "What? You think I'd snog you and just...keep going out with Melanie? That's not right."
"Well, I wasn't sure…I mean, that you…well, that you wanted…I mean." Remus stopped talking and just smiled rather foolishly at Sirius.
That smile coaxed a smile out of Sirius in return. "You're so cute."
Remus blinked at him. "I—what?"
Sirius grinned and boxed Remus' ear lightly.
"Oi," Remus grumbled, rubbing his ear. "So, what, I'm your new girlfriend, have to treat me like a bird?" He poked gently at Sirius' ribs.
Sirius laughed, poking Remus back. "Sorry, didn't mean to. Gotta get used to it, that's all." He leaned in mischievously. "But you are cute."
Remus laughed and kissed Sirius. "So are you, but you already know that."
Sirius grinned. "How can the entire student body ever be wrong?"
"And you're arrogant, too," Remus murmured, sliding a hand down into Sirius' back pocket. "Supremely arrogant." He kissed Sirius' jaw. Merlin, this was addicting.
"All part of the Sirius Black charm," Sirius agreed, liking where Remus' hand was.
"Mmm, is that it?" Remus smiled at him.
"It's working, isn't it?" Sirius winked again.
Remus laughed. "Yes, damn it, working bloody well, too." He leaned in and kissed Sirius again. "James'll ask you why you ditched Melanie."
"Mmmhmm," Sirius agreed. He thought a moment. "What d'you want me to tell him?"
This was odd. Sirius acted like he didn't give a toss what James knew. Remus shrugged. "What do you want to tell him? S'not like he knows I’m queer." Suddenly that was almost easy to say.
"Well, I figured. That's why I asked. I don't care." Sirius smiled and shrugged.
Remus blinked. "Sirius Black, Renowned Sex Symbol of Hogwarts, doesn't care if people know he's dating a bloke?"
Sirius snickered. "Why should I care? Do you think there'll be blokes writing you hate mail?"
Remus smiled faintly. "Wouldn't surprise me," he murmured. "I reckon if you want--you know--to really give this a go, then Pete and James ought to know."
"Okay then, I'll tell them." Sirius grinned lazily at Remus, watching him. "I should tell you, Moony, that I don't think it's anybody's business, but I'm not going to hide it unless you want me to. I'm also not going to make a big announcement to everyone I know. I mean, blokes who date birds don't ever have to make certain everyone knows they're straight. It's stupid."
Remus blinked several times as he absorbed this, then grinned. "You've got a point there, Padfoot."
Sirius leaned in and kissed him again. "It's all a lot to think about, just now. I mean, two days ago I really hadn't given any thought to dating blokes. But I don't want... I don't want just a snog. So. I want to do it right."
Remus returned the kiss happily. "This isn't a passing fancy, then," he said, looking at Sirius more sombrely. His voice was quiet. "I've fancied you mad for years, Sirius. I don't--I don't think I'd forgive you if you said you wanted this and changed your mind next week."
Sirius' brow furrowed. "I don't think it is, but... I don't know. This is all happening...this morning. I haven't even finished my tea yet. What about you? You could get a week into it and decide that dating me isn't at all what you thought it would be."
Remus snorted. "I already know all your bad habits, Padfoot, and I still manage to think you're dead sexy. But just as long as you really mean it, as long as you, you know, really do want to do it right...that's all I'm asking."
Sirius nodded. "I have no bloody idea what I'm doing, but we're mates, Moony. I don't want to muck that up."
Remus leaned in and kissed Sirius, more slowly this time. He was feeling completely overwhelmed. In the past two days so many things had suddenly turned upside down. He broke off and just put his arms around Sirius, leaning his forehead against him.
Now Sirius could finally indulge his odd urges and wrap his arms around Remus in return, feeling protective even as he felt protected. It was a relief to no longer have to hide it.
Remus shivered and relaxed into Sirius' embrace. He didn't care what it took, he was going to make this work.
Sirius stared across the kitchen at his cup, which was probably full now of tepid tea. He pushed away the misgivings that he had no bloody idea what he was playing at, ignored questions about himself the situation raised, and concentrated on being with Moony. That was what mattered. That was what he wanted.